Why We Wait for Someone Else to Tell Us It’s Okay

We make decisions all day long.

Big ones. Small ones. Work decisions. Family decisions. Decisions about priorities, opportunities, time, money, and whether one more thing can possibly fit on the calendar.

So why is it that some decisions still leave us quietly looking around for someone else to tell us, Yes, it’s okay?

Okay to speak up. Okay to pursue the opportunity. Okay to ask for help. Okay to say no. Okay to change our minds. Okay to admit that something we once wanted may not be what we want anymore.

The funny thing is, nobody may have actually told us we need permission. Often, we are waiting for approval that was never required in the first place.

For many capable women, this can be especially tricky because some of the very qualities that helped us become successful can also make it harder to change course. We are dependable. We help. We figure things out. We do not want to disappoint people. We step in when something needs to get done.

Those are all good qualities. They are also qualities that tend to get rewarded with…more things to do.

Say yes often enough and people learn that you will say yes. Solve enough problems and, magically, more problems begin finding you. Become the person everyone can count on and, before long, being dependable stops being something you do and starts becoming part of how you see yourself.

That is when changing the pattern gets uncomfortable.

If I have always been the one who handles it, what does it say about me if I ask for help? If I have always been agreeable, what happens when I disagree? If everyone is used to me saying yes, what happens when I say no? If I have been grateful for the opportunities I have had, am I still allowed to ask for something different?

Of course we are. But knowing that intellectually and actually doing it are two very different things.

There is also an important difference between seeking good advice and seeking permission.

Good mentors, colleagues, friends, and trusted advisors are invaluable. They help us see blind spots, challenge our assumptions, and make better decisions. But sometimes we are not really asking, What do you think?

We are asking, Do you think it is okay if I do this?

That distinction matters.

If we are not careful, we can spend a remarkable amount of time waiting for someone else to tell us we are ready, qualified, justified, deserving, or allowed. Some of us can turn a fairly simple decision into a full advisory board meeting in our own heads. We ask three friends, two colleagues, a mentor, and possibly the dog before trusting what we already know.

There is a difference between due diligence and polling the entire zip code.

Sometimes I’m still thinking about it is thoughtful. And sometimes it is just fear wearing a blazer.

That is why self-awareness matters.

Most of us are moving so quickly between work, family, community commitments, deadlines, appointments, emails, and whatever minor crisis has decided to show up before lunch that introspection can feel like a luxury.

It is not.

We cannot change a pattern we have never taken the time to understand.

So instead of immediately asking, What should I do? it can be more useful to ask, What am I actually waiting for?

Am I gathering useful information, or am I looking for approval? Am I evaluating legitimate risk, or am I afraid someone will be disappointed in me? Am I truly not ready, or am I waiting to feel 100% confident first? Am I asking for someone’s opinion because I value it, or because I do not quite trust my own?

Those are not always comfortable questions. They are, however, incredibly clarifying.

Giving ourselves permission does not mean blowing up our lives, becoming selfish, or suddenly responding to every request with, “Absolutely not.” It simply means becoming more intentional about the choices we are already making.

Sometimes permission looks pretty ordinary. It may mean saying, Let me think about that and get back to you, instead of automatically saying yes. It may mean asking for help before you are completely underwater. It may mean raising your hand for an opportunity before you feel perfectly ready. It may mean protecting an hour on your calendar, saying not this time, or finally admitting that something you have been doing out of habit, expectation, or guilt no longer makes sense.

You do not need to change everything. You simply need to notice where you are waiting—and why.

Then ask yourself one more question:

Whose permission am I waiting for?

Because sometimes the thing holding us back is not a rule, a policy, a boss, or even another person. Sometimes it is simply the story we have been telling ourselves about what we are “supposed” to do.

And those stories are worth examining.

Especially the ones that have somehow been running the meeting without ever being invited.

Continue the Conversation

If this article resonated with you, join Women in LBM online on November 12 for Women in LBM Lunch & Learn: The Permission Problem. This session is open to women working in any role within the lumber and building materials industry.

Dena Cordova Jack is a trailblazer who’s been through the fire.

With 30-plus years in the LBM industry, holding leadership roles at Georgia-Pacific, Boise Cascade, Foxworth-Galbraith, and Kodiak Building Partners, Dena Cordova Jack has walked the walk. She’s seen the best and worst of corporate leadership and lived to tell the tale (with receipts). As the founder of Cordova Jack Consulting which focuses on organizational development, she's now the facilitating force behind BLD’s Women in LBM initiative. She’s helping women lead boldly, ditch perfectionism, and take their seat.